I need a hug or 6 shots of vodka
Got to spend today, and get to spend all day tomorrow and some of Saturday with a few of my favorite people on this planet. How incredibly blessed am I?
ughuhgufh you know that feeling where you want someone SO BAD like not even in a sexual way like you just want to touch their skin and hug them and feel their warmth and smell their scent and feel how soft their hair is and look into their eyes and hear their voice and soak in their presence like it’s physically impossible to have them by your side but you need it so bad like you just want them to be yours you want them physically there for you
and i’m SoOoOoOoOoOo fucking excited.
To get really high is to forget yourself. And to forget yourself is to see everything else. And to see everything else is to become an understanding molecule in evolution, a conscious tool of the universe.
I become attached to people I shouldn’t. I distance myself from the people who matter. I am bad with people. I am good at being alone. But I hate being lonely.
I just have this need to write everything in my head out but I don’t even know where to begin. My mind’s been this crazy tornado of everything lately and I need to get it all sorted out before I go crazy. I wish I didn’t suck so hard at words.
Like I’m beyond happy with where my life has taken me thus far. I go to a fantastic school. I’m in the best sorority with some of the greatest people I’ve ever met in my life. I adore my roommate. My big is literally fantastic. Schoolwise things are so much better this semester. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but right now I’m just chilling and letting things go the way they need to go.
But there’s also me sitting at the point of: I’m on pretty strict Academic Probation. I’m broke. My parents are broke so there’s no help there. No matter where I’m going my mom still have cancer, and that’s not going to go away. My dad will still have wasted several years of my life being less than he should have been. My sister and I have a shitty relationship that won’t ever get better until she get’s an anger issue sorted out. And I’ve got this numbness to all of it. Like it doesn’t hurt anymore, doesn’t sting, it’s just all there, piled up.
I can’t even believe I’m saying this but sometimes I want to go back to when I was at least feeling something. It may have felt like shit, but it was feeling something and I had people there who were actually willing and wanting to help me. Which is weird to think about. People who were there, maybe because they felt obligated to? Like they felt bad leaving you so they stayed? Not because they still cared about you, but because they were afraid of what you’d do if you weren’t there. Then once you finally were content, just like disappeared. Wow, that sucks to think about. Let’s just go back to happier things.
(how did I even get on that topic?)
But, I’m happy. I guess. Things could always be better, no matter where you’re sitting in life. But if you’re always focusing on what could be better, you can’t focus on the great things sitting in front of you. A relationship with my mom that has grown exponentially since I left for school. Kinds of friendships I never knew could exist. People who are there for me unconditionally. Friends who can spend 3 hours in the dining hall in one sitting just sitting there talking about the stupidest shit.
I think this post took a lot different of a turn than I initially wanted it to. I don’t even know where I wanted it to go, but it felt good to just get some shit out for once, instead of just thinking about it. Maybe I should do this more.
I’ve got my mind on you, and I don’t know what to do. Cause it’s been so long since I’ve felt like we’re okay. Baby I just wanna know what is gonna make you stay. I’ve had my mind on you. Well over a year I knew, that you were drifting down a separate road than me. I just wanna know if our love’s enough to make you stay. You’ll never know how much this kills me every day. I’ve been tryin but I don’t know what to do or say. So please don’t go, I know it’ll never be the same. But baby, you’re so far gone, is my love enough to make you stay? I’ve had my mind on us, but it never seems to be enough. I’ve been searching for a way to walk away, but I know inside my heart that our love’s too much, I’ve got to stay.
maybe if you came and fell asleep next to me I wouldn’t be so sad
The hardest period in life is one’s twenties. It’s a shame because you’re your most gorgeous and you’re physically in peak condition. But it’s actually when you’re most insecure and full of self-doubt. When you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s frightening.
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I get drunk with the idea that you’ll actually fall in love with me.
You’re captivating parts of me I didn’t know were present and I think the way you roll your eyes counter clockwise when you tell a story is a the most genuine tell I’ve ever bore witness to.
I don’t think you can fit me into your structured birth charts and perfectly aligned planets and I don’t know what stars have to do with astrology but I know they’re in your eyes when you speak of your passions.
Everything about you is illuminating and I’m blinded by your radiance.
Just know that I love you. I love you with all of my fucked up, piece of shit heart.
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